Hello, welcome to you and your feelings.
Two hours of discussion about people, their feelings, why people get hurt, how to avoid being hurt, and other tips on feelings.
That was a very sensitive tune.
Yes.
our emotional hour.
We're going to play only sensitive music for the next two hours this week.
That was Jose Gonzalez, and that's the most rocking tune that you'll be hearing, so don't worry if that was slightly freaking you out.
We start with that every week, don't we?
Well, it's always in there.
It's always in there, but you know, it's a two hour show, two hour prime time show on XFM, and that's a big hit, Joe, so you gotta... Right, important to start with something slightly depressing.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Hello.
Welcome to the show.
We're with you for the next two hours.
We've got all sorts of competitions and prizes this week, including we're giving away video games, which is exciting because they're three times the commercial value of things that are usually given away on shows like this.
So, yeah, you'd be paying about £40.
Well, exactly.
A standard DVD prize worth £19.99.
Even less sometimes.
CD tenor.
Video games?
Up to £40.
And you can't download those from iTunes?
No.
No.
Can you?
No, not from iTunes.
No.
Can you download... How much does it cost to download a video game from the internet?
Oh, you'd have to do it.
You'd probably do it illegally.
Right.
I don't think you can do it legally, unless it's a little one.
Well, that's... A silly one, like Battleships.
Out of the question, then.
We don't want to encourage that kind of illegal behaviour.
We've also got tickets to give away.
Oh, we've got a box at the Hackney Empire.
Is that tonight?
Yeah.
Yeah, if you want to go to the Hackney Empire and sit in a box.
We've got a box?
A box.
And see Joe Brand, Felix Dexter, Andy Smart and more.
What you don't want to do.
I was going to make a joke about Joe Brand's box, but I'm not going to.
Good.
So we'll be giving that away.
Plus we've got three pairs of tickets for the XFM live session at the Carling Academy, Islington, featuring the magic numbers.
Hey, that'll be fantastic.
That'll be brilliant.
So that's really good priorities.
When's that?
Oh, 18th of February.
So that's not for a while.
So stand by to win all those things and enjoy some funny competitions.
OK, here's, here's, er, Goldfrapp.
Goldfrapp with Ride on a White Horse.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
Should we do a little competition at the beginning of the show?
What's Anthony doing?
She's fiddling with my cabs.
She's fiddling with your cabs.
What about a small competition just to kick things off?
OK, what kind of thing were you thinking?
Well, last night I was watching the film Saw 2.
Don't know if anyone out there has seen Saw 2.
It's a horror film, you know, sort of tricks and torture sort of thing.
Have you seen Saw 1, Adam?
I haven't seen any of the saws, no.
Here, pop that in the CD player.
I've been avoiding saws.
And it's not a very good film, Saw II.
I advise you to avoid it.
If you've seen the poster, it's got two severed... Ooh, hello.
He's dropped it.
The poster's got two severed fingers on it.
And having seen the film, I think that's a sort of a two fingers up to the audience.
Right.
Cos it's not very good.
Why did you get it out, you mad man?
Cos I was bored and I've seen everything else.
What track are we looking at here?
We're looking at track number one, I think.
I think... just give me the box a second.
Okay, there you go.
Yeah, so one of the things that struck me about Saw 2, and I think is true of most horror films these days, is the sound effects are much too loud.
Everything, even the tiniest thing, makes the most incredible noise.
And it's true in films, generally.
Someone walks past the camera with a big coat, it'll go...
Like that.
Everything's really noisy just to keep you awake.
So this is a new idea for competition.
It's called OTTFX.
It's an acronymical name.
And basically, I'm going to play you a very over-the-top sound effect from a Hollywood film.
You have to tell me what it is.
Nice.
Yeah?
It's probably something a bit less dramatic than what it sounds like.
So here's something from Saw II.
Are you ready?
Yeah.
Here we go.
Here we go.
What's she doing there?
What's happening there?
What's that the sound of?
Do you want to hear it again?
Is she doing up her jacket?
It's just buttons.
It's just the sound of buttons.
What's going on?
I'm having real can problems.
Play the clip again.
Okay, here we go.
There we go.
So if you know what that sound is, or if you can guess what that sound is, call 0871 222 1049.
That's 0871 222 1049 if you know what that over-the-top special effect is.
And we'll get you on the show and give you a prize.
Are you all right there?
I'm just having some technical difficulties, some issues.
That's made your hair look marvellous.
That's not better.
That is rubbish.
Just play a record.
Just play a record.
I was just going to say though, as a prize for the sound effects thing here, when someone phones in and gets the correct thing, I can give away some of my DVDs that I've brought in.
Oh, good.
Because I'm having a bit of a DVD clear out.
You know, you get to a stage when things are just getting ridiculous and I, for years, made the mistake of buying DVDs rather than just renting them, which any normal person would do.
And so now I'm clearing them all out.
But even stupider than just buying them, I used to buy American import ones, which are really expensive.
So can we give the person one of those DVDs as a prize?
Because the thing is, I'm worried the competition's losing impetus now we've changed subject.
Well, I'm not.
That's exactly what I was saying.
I was saying these could be the prize.
You've got to listen to what I'm saying.
So look, amongst the films here, I've got Big Fish, Alien versus Predator.
I sound excited about it.
That's brilliant.
Big Fish.
Garden State, I Heart Huckabees, Dawn of the Dead, that's the new one, Man on Fire, Girl with a Pearl Earring.
So you saying people could win all of those?
Yeah.
As long as they've got a multi-region DVD player.
As long as you can play American DVDs, you could win all those DVDs.
If you can guess that sound effect.
Shall we play it one more time?
Yeah, here we go.
Oh, hang on a second.
Okay.
Play it one more time.
Here it comes.
Oh, it's 712221049.
Call us if you think you know what that effect is.
Let's have a free play while I try and sort out my can issues.
Uh, this is Devo.
That's Devo with Uncontrollable Urge.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Have we had anyone phoning in yet for our competition?
Do we know?
I don't even know what the real sound is, though.
How do you mean?
What the answer to the competition is?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that's my secret.
Have we got a caller on the line we can speak to, Xanthi?
Somebody who sounds nice?
You haven't?
No.
What's going on?
The show's having a mental breakdown today.
Well, we'll come back to that in a second.
Yeah?
We'll get a caller in a second.
We've had lots of suggestions via the texts.
Somebody says she's probably opening the fridge to get some low-fat milk.
Can we hear it and imagine she's opening the fridge?
Is the fridge opening?
There's the milk.
And there it is, low fat.
Or maybe taking out some ice from the ice tray and just pouring some water on the ice to loosen the ice up.
Maybe.
It was little Jason who suggested she's opening the fridge.
Colin in Peckham says, is she plugging in her Phillips lady shave?
That's quite close.
It does have an electrical component.
Right, we'll have the correct answer after this.
Let's play some more music.
This is The Killers.
That's the killers, somebody told me.
Now we've got Stuart on the line, who thinks that he's able to identify this sound.
An over-the-top Hollywood sound effect from the movie Saw II.
Hello Stuart, are you there?
I am there, yeah, hello.
How you doing?
Stuart, commiserations.
What's that?
Commiserations.
Commiserations?
Yeah, you've seen Saw II?
I have seen Saw II, yeah.
I liked it.
You liked it?
I did like it, yeah.
What did you like about it, you lunatic?
I just think it's a bit crazy.
You know, I'm very violent, very gory.
Stuart, can I ask you, do you also enjoy the Friday Night Project on Channel 4?
I didn't enjoy it last night, but I did the week before.
I think it's week on, week off.
That's quite generous, I would say.
So did you like the bit... Well, hang on, before I ask you that, what do you think it is?
What do you think the sound is?
I think the sound is the sound of a woman being dropped by some American pit bull man into a bed full of needles and stuff like that.
Well, this is a scene in the film, isn't it?
It's one of the most horrible scenes I've ever seen.
Yeah, it really is disgusting and she's got all the needles hanging in between her legs.
She's like an ex-junkie, isn't she?
She's an ex-junkie and she hasn't been on the stuff for ages and she gets dropped into a pitfall of like, you don't know what it is.
A pit of needles!
And then there's this ridiculous plot twist where she's got to find a key at the bottom of these needles.
And so she hates it at first.
Oh, the needles are sticking into me.
But then because she's an ex-junkie, she starts to love it.
It's so stupid and horrible.
Just made me feel like I'd killed someone after I'd watched it.
Anyway, so you think that's the sound of her dropping into a pit of needles?
What do you think, Adam?
Do you think that's feasible?
It sounds as if there's less going on than that.
Let's have another listen.
Yeah, that's... I'm afraid you're wrong.
Oh no!
Yeah, you're wrong, but maybe... Well, we can't let this competition go on for much longer.
We can't have it be one of those capital competitions where you've got to identify the sound of toast and it lasts for three weeks.
Put us out of our misery.
What was it, Joe?
It's the sound of her turning on the lights.
There you go.
Switching on the lights.
Granted, they're old lights and they're in an old loo.
They stumble across the rotten corpses from the first film in possibly the only good moment in the film.
But yeah, that's the sound of lights going on in Hollywood.
Can we hear it once more?
Neon lights.
There we go.
Wow, my bathroom light makes almost exactly the same noise.
Hey, but good try.
Stuart, do you by any chance have a multi-region DVD player?
I do, yeah.
You do?
You are in luck.
Which of these... Adam's going to read you off a list of films.
You just say yes if you want them, okay?
They're all secondhand.
Lemony Snick, but they're all in good condition.
Lemony Snick, it's a series of unfortunate events.
Yes.
Flight of the Phoenix with men.
It just wants them all.
You want them all, don't you?
You want them all?
Yeah, why not?
Spun.
The Forgotten.
House of Sand and Fog.
You'll enjoy that.
You don't even have to pay for the postage.
It's better than eBay.
Fantastic.
Well, we'll send all of these to you.
Congratulations.
Well done, Stuart.
That's what you get for getting something wrong on our show.
Thanks for calling, mate.
Thanks for calling in.
We'll be back very shortly.
The most famous and talented man in Britain.
Preston, what's his second name?
Uh, Candover.
Preston Candover.
What is his second name?
I've no idea.
What's his second name?
Nobody knows his second name.
Preston... Brother.
Preston... He's an ordinary boy.
He doesn't have a name.
Oh, some tiny children have come to look into the studio.
Wondering at the magic of radio.
I'm waving and they're looking at me like I'm some sort of... Idiot.
...sex offender.
Which is what you... Don't say that!
Bye.
No.
Um, now, let's see.
Uh, yes, Preston and the Ordinary Boys.
I've no idea what his surname is.
What is his surname?
McGenius.
Preston McGenius.
He's a very nice chap.
We're gonna have a competition shortly, and it's gonna be Celebrity Regression Therapy.
You could win.
What should we, uh, give away for Celebrity Regression Therapy?
What about those tickets, or what about the box to, uh, to the Hackney Empire?
Joe Brand's box.
Yeah, Joe Brand's box.
And remind us once again what that prize is.
It's a box at the Hackney Empire tonight to see Joe Brand, Felix Dexter and Andy Smart and more.
Wow, that's a good prize.
And if you can't make that tonight, then you can take away a pair of tickets to the XFM live session at the Carling Academy, Islington, featuring the magic numbers.
That's on Saturday the 18th.
Fantastic.
Now it occurred to me, this is a very small observation, Joe, but this week while I was watching Channel 4 and I saw some trails for Body Shock.
Yes.
Have you watched any of Body Shock?
No, what is Body Shock?
Body Shock is a series of programs about...
freaks, basically, and they kind, they sort of dress it up as if it's a medical documentary of some kind.
But week in, week out, it's the kind of things that you would see in an old fashioned sideshow.
Do you know what I mean?
Like a huge- A freak show?
A freak show, yeah.
A hugely fat man they had on last week's one, he was like 60 stone or something.
And they had one that was like about a girl, they call her sort of the mermaid girl.
Right.
Even though she wasn't a mermaid, her legs were
I think I saw pictures of that, yeah.
Stuck together.
That's not the show that had the kind of people who looked a bit like E.T.
Yeah, yeah, I think that's a forthcoming attraction.
Right.
The sort of pinhead looking people.
Yeah.
And... They've got a disease that makes them very old very fast.
Yes, exactly.
Even though they don't actually look very old.
No, of course they're not old.
They're the same age as other people are, but they are, yeah, their bodies are aging faster.
Anyway, they're all fairly horrible programs, and I defy anyone to watch an entire one.
But it occurred to me that Channel 4 is just basically becoming like an old-fashioned travelling sideshow.
You know what I mean?
They've got all their freaks in body shock, and they pretend very hard, obviously.
You know, obviously they never refer to them as freaks, because that would be really insensitive and horrible.
yeah i wouldn't advocate that kind of thing but you've got real corpses on autopsy and that's me of death yes uh with the evil german doctor that's right austrian or whatever he is and uh you've got death wish challenge of course hosted by our friend alex a4 yes yeah where people kind of attempt to kill themselves that's right television and then the rest of the rest of channel four's output is mainly concerned with sort of
ridiculing various areas of white trash, you know.
It's mainly sort of white, lower middle class or working class people.
Brat Camp, You Are What You Eat, Super Nanny, Wife Swap, Ten Years Younger.
All of them pointing the finger at people and just sitting there going, you're a disgrace, look at you.
And they, you know, the presenters invariably just reduce them to tears at some point and say, come on, shape up, you fat lunatic.
And, uh, I just think it's a shame.
Or do you enjoy that?
Do you watch any of those shows?
Um, name them again?
Ten years younger, have you seen that one?
Uh, yeah, I've seen that one.
That is ridiculous.
What did you think of that one?
Well, I like them, you see.
I think Channel 4 acts as kind of a village, a medieval village square.
Yeah.
Where you can throw tomatoes at other people.
Gossip, point and laugh with impunity.
I think that's good telly.
Is it?
Yeah.
Oh, that makes me feel ill.
Yeah, I'm working for them as well at the moment.
Oh, right.
OK, that's fair enough then.
I like it.
Yeah.
And how about Brat Camp?
Is it a good move just to have girls?
I haven't been watching that.
I thought Brat Camp was one of your faves.
No, I haven't watched this series.
It's just started, and it was looking quite good.
They had some pretty mad young women on there.
Hey, people are saying Preston is, of course, his surname.
Oh, is it?
Yeah, he just doesn't tell anybody his first name.
Somebody's saying it's Sam.
Sam Preston?
Yeah.
I bet it's Tarquin.
I think his first name's probably just Sexy.
Sexy Preston.
Sexy Preston.
Yeah, there you go.
OK, we've got competition time coming up after this number, and let me just try and remember what this is.
Oh, this is Morrissey.
It's Morrissey, Joe.
It's Morrissey.
That's exciting.
He's some kind of a god.
He's a kind of god.
He's sort of a genius.
This is a brand new addition to the XFM playlist, and it's called You Have Killed Me.
Oh!
That was Morrissey with You Have Killed Me.
Brand new music on XFM.
Yeah.
As I live and breathe, you have killed me.
You have killed me.
Thanks.
Quiet now, Morrissey.
That's the first single to be taken from the Manchester Pope of Mope's eighth solo album.
I didn't write that.
I'm merely reading it.
The Pope of Mope.
Is that something he's commonly called?
No, I think that's someone trying to think of something new to say about him.
His solo album's called The Ringleader of the Tormentors.
Then it's out April the third.
I call him the miserable prince.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
It's time to play celebrity regression.
I'm going to regress Adam into the mind and films of a famous film star.
You have to guess who that film star is and what films he's been regressed into to win the extraordinary prize, which is a box to see Joe Brown, Felix Dexter and Andy Smart at the Hackney Empire tonight.
That's a box.
Only the poshest people go in boxes.
They cost a million pounds.
Listen, I'm not saying it's a bad bill, right?
Because that is a brilliant bill.
Brilliant comedians.
But you could pretty much see anything in a box and have a good time.
Really?
Yeah.
You just think so?
Definitely.
When you're in a theatre and you look up the people in the boxes, they're generally not concentrated.
Do you know, exactly, that's the reason why a box is such fun.
Pay attention to the play or performance.
You just get some booze in there, you roll around the floor.
You sit on the floor, fiddle with each other.
You have a great time.
Take some board games.
Exactly.
Oh, that'll be brilliant.
And if you can't see that, because that's tonight and we realise it's short notice, then you can win one of three pairs of tickets for the XFM live session at the Carling Academy in Islington featuring the Magic Numbers.
The Numbers.
On Saturday the 18th of February.
come on yeah there we go someone's comment common commenting on the text that there's a sort of uh large theme to the prizes but i don't want to get in trouble like what's his name on top of the pops did richard bacon no i'm not gonna pick up on that so it's not me it's somebody commenting i know i know we're in we're in deep water so here we go let's uh do celebrity aggression are you ready with the bell
Okay, remember the number is 0 8 7 1 triple 2 1 0 4 9 if you know the name of the star in the films I'm about to regress Adam into so everything's a bit tense here in the studio this morning because Adam had a Headphone failure and can probably got a bit stressed out about the calls and then I made an inappropriate comment to some small children Everything's slightly edgy
So this music's gonna relax us all.
I think, Xanthi, you should breathe deeply.
I think, listeners, if you're having a slightly edgy... Saturday should be a relaxed day.
It shouldn't be tense.
So let's just all relax.
I'm talking to myself, basically.
And regress, Adam, all the way back.
Back to babyhood.
Back to spermhood.
Back to nuttyhood.
Nuts in the hood.
What?
And all the way into the mind of a film star, a sexy film star who lives in Hollywood, whose standard of living you could never achieve, whose beauty you will never attain.
Now Adam, wake up in the mind of that film star and tell us what you can see.
I am in a nightclub on a double date.
The DJ spins the psychedelic furs.
Great for dancing.
My date is a perfectly charming though slightly slutty young girl.
But here's the thing.
I really like the young lady on the arm of the other fellow.
But they're engaged to be married.
Gah!
Roughly denied.
What's more, when the ladies leave us to powder their bottoms, I'm left chatting to the young fellow, and I find him to be a rotter, a dirty picaroon who has dishonored his sweet fiancée on more than one occasion, and intends to do so again.
Damn him!
The filthy panty monger, the skirted specter, the faithless, tossy, touchy...
Crikey.
Okay.
Just like to back out of that film, Adam, and then enter another of the stars' films, and wake up and tell us what you can see.
I'm in a rather ugly modern house.
Cold, angular, glass panels hither and yon.
It's a family occasion.
My sisters, their husbands, their children.
My sisters nag and belittle me.
Nag, nag, belittle, belittle.
Normally, I diffuse this kind of situation by passing wind or making a politically incorrect quip.
But I've been given the opportunity to be taken seriously here and I intend to be true to it.
In that spirit, I smash my hand into a sliding glass door and stun the gathering into shocked silence.
Oh, I'll pass wind or kiss a very old person again.
But for now, people are looking at me with new eyes.
So that's the second film.
Remember, 08712221049, the second you guess the name of the star in all three films.
Here comes the third film.
I'm at the zoo on a school trip.
One of my chums is upset.
I ask him why, and he reveals that he has weed in his pants.
I'm faced with a dilemma.
Do I say nothing and help him hide his shame, or do I address the situation and risk exposing him to the ridicule of his classmates?
I come up with an ingenious solution.
I deliberately splash water on myself to make it look as if I have weed in my own pants, and then I announce to his class that doing so is cool, thereby making my young peepee friend look cool by proxy.
My daring ploy does not escape the attention of the attractive female teacher who gives me a lusty look.
No, she's not a sick pervert, for I am a grown man!
There we go.
Adam has gone back into a regressed state.
He'll remain unconscious until somebody calls up and correctly guesses the name of the three films and the film star who he was.
Call 0871 222 1049 if you know the answer.
I'm filling and you could win those amazing prizes for those amazing events Tonight and next week What now what Fillmore I can't Weezer
That was Weezer with Buddy Holly.
You join us in the middle of celebrity regression.
Adam has been regressed into the mind and films of a film star.
We've got who's on the lines, Anthony?
Sean.
We got Sean.
Hello, Sean.
Hi, how are you doing?
Good, man.
Keep your voice nice and low.
Adam's in a clinically regressed state.
If you shock him or surprise him, you might kill him.
I'll try then.
To kill him?
No.
Well, good man.
Keep my voice low.
OK, so tell us, first of all, what film star you think it is.
And if you're right, he will wake up.
I believe it's Adam Sandler.
That's fantastic.
Congratulations, Sean.
Absolutely right on the money.
What was your process of deduction there?
Well, I pretty much knew by the first film, because I'm super intelligent.
That was a scene in a nightclub where he fancies the other bloke's girlfriend, even though the other bloke turns out to be a philanderer and a rotter.
What film is that?
It's The Wedding Singer.
That's right.
That's the bit with Drew Barrymore's boyfriend, who turns out to be a nasty piece of work.
What was the other film that you got?
Well, the second film I was quite hazy on, because he's not done many serious things.
So I chose Spanglish, which is a script film I've never seen it myself.
I know he's on the front cover of the DVD, and that's about it, really.
Brilliant deduction.
Colombo-like deduction.
Yeah, it's incorrect, unfortunately.
Oh, no.
But I liked where you were going with it.
But of course, his most serious piece was Punch Drunk Love.
Ah, where he calls the call girl.
yes exactly right yeah starts off when a small harmonium is dumped in the street outside his office and he goes on an amazing journey of violence and repressed something and that's directed by paul thomas anderson uh so punch drunk love you didn't get that one but still i think you got the other one what was the other one
Billy Madison.
Billy Madison, come on.
I saw that for the first time the other day.
Not bad.
I enjoyed it.
Yeah, I saw it a couple of years ago and you've got to be in the mood.
It's kind of like a Saturday afternoon film.
Is that the golfing one?
No, that's Happy Gilmore.
Oh, that's a good one.
That's genuinely good.
Happy Gilmore.
You've always got to approach Sandler carefully.
Do you want to hear the latest Sandler news?
Yeah, what's that?
He's made a film called Click.
I heard about that.
About a bloke that gets a remote control that works on people.
Oh, fantastic.
It's amazing it's taken them that long to make that film, isn't it?
It's a universal remote that changes his universe.
I think there must have been a version of that made in the 80s called Remote Control or something with some 80s star.
They were people that got sucked into their TV or something like that.
And then his very latest film, he is playing a gay man.
It's very fashionable at the moment.
A gay man that becomes married thanks to the new lovers.
But then he's doing yet another film.
Is he?
where his whole family are killed in the 9-11 attacks.
What?
It doesn't sound very funny.
It's not very, it doesn't sound funny but it might be it might be another serious Sandler project.
Oh right, they're no good anyway.
It might, it might be, it might, well it might be another serious
project yeah we don't know the small chance it could become it might be chucklesome chucklesome look at the 9-11 disaster anyway thank you so much for calling in Sean and which prize would you like would you like to go to the the comedy performance tonight by Joe Brand or would you like to see this magic number session
The Magic Numbers session, please.
Purely for the fact that I'm busy tonight, I would usually go for a bit of brandy, but you know... Nice.
Got a hold on for next week.
Okay, well I hope you enjoy the Magic Numbers, and thank you so much for calling in.
This is Adam and Joe here on XFM.
It's a little bit... It hasn't finished yet!
...a little bit of a cheeky free play.
I shouldn't have played that.
You should never come out of the break with a free play.
That's illegal.
You could get fired.
I'm gonna straighten my mic.
Keep talking, but excuse me if there's noises.
So that was Pixies with Holiday Song.
This is Adam and Joe here on Saturday afternoon at XFM.
And we have got some more exciting things, competition-wise, coming up for you in part two of the show.
Oh, part two.
I love part two.
The second hour.
Can I, are you about to say something?
No, you carry on.
I'm worried.
Why are you worried?
About those gerbils in that gerbil advert.
In, uh, they're, um, guinea pigs, aren't they?
Guinea pigs, yeah.
Sorry, not gerbils, guinea pigs.
In the egg.
In the egg adverts.
Why are you worried?
Well, I'm trying to work out how they, how they do it.
And listeners, you might be able to help.
You probably know those egg adverts, those egg adverts with the, uh, guinea pigs.
Yeah, yeah.
I actually know how they do it.
do you okay here's my theory and they're guinea pigs they're going well like guinea pigs they're in a little experimental house aren't they uh and they're doing computers and sitting watching the telly acting like a normal family but they've got sort of humanoid bodies yeah they're uh walking on two legs and using their hands in a way that guinea pigs naturally can't so this is how i think they've done it they've made a giant set
They've put people in big guinea pig costumes.
They've then miniaturized that down and put real guinea pig heads on using digitals.
Yeah.
Correct?
Correct.
Correct.
How have they got those expressions off of them guinea pigs then?
What, are you getting expressions off those guinea pig faces?
Yeah, absolutely.
They look at things.
They seem to think.
They've been tortured.
No.
I think there's been some... How could they possibly get performances, even out of their heads?
They're not getting any performances out of their heads.
But they look in the right direction and stuff.
No, they just cut... They film enough of it so that they've got the footage of when they suddenly look left.
I don't know, man.
I don't know.
You reckon they're being electrocuted and stuff?
I think so.
I think there's some kind of PG Tips chimps for the noughties going on there.
No, that's... That's simply Joe Cornish speculating, incidentally.
Through their cheeks.
That's not the assertion of XFM.
I can't say anything right today.
He's a legal minefield.
Well if you put it like that, I'm humorously suggesting that they may have tortured the guinea pigs.
And now you're making it sound like Siriana starring George Clooney.
Which I don't think it is.
I don't know, but you think that's how they do it?
Yeah, they just shoot loads of stuff and cut together the bits they need.
They shoot them?
They kill the guinea pigs?
They kill them, they shoot them in the kneecaps until they do what they're told.
I'm pretty sure maybe someone from the advertising company would like to phone us and fill us in.
It would be an interesting and informative feature.
I'm worried about those guinea pigs and I think the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Guinea Pigs should investigate.
Yeah?
That's all I want to say.
Sure.
So my opinions are too controversial for you, Adam.
You want to make an anodyne show?
A safe show?
I'm just trying to reassure you.
I'm trying to reassure you.
Don't worry.
Listen, Joe Cornish, don't worry.
I know you love guinea pigs.
You care about guinea pigs?
I know you do.
But don't worry, because I don't think they would torture them for the advert.
It would just be an insane... I hope those guinea pigs have got free credit cards.
...insane thing to do.
Now let's play some music to take us to the end of the first hour here on a Saturday afternoon.
This is the Future Heads.
Isn't that nice?
The Arctic Monkeys with When the Sun Goes Down.
And of course, they're playing London's Brixton Academy on Friday, February the 17th.
Even though I'm sure you probably can't get tickets.
I'm sure it's sold out, man.
They're so hot right now.
So listen, I was expressing some concern about the welfare of the egg guinea pigs and wanting to know how it was done.
And lo and behold, we've been called by Tony, right?
Whose sister owns the guinea pigs, is that right?
Sister-in-law.
Hey, Tony.
How you doing?
Thanks for calling in.
That's alright, no problem.
So your sister-in-law, does she breed guinea pigs or something or own a guinea pig farm?
No, she doesn't breed them, she's just got quite a few guinea pigs.
She does dog training and stuff like that and it all got involved from there.
And she hires the guinea pigs out for TV, jobs, film work, that kind of thing?
Yeah.
They must be the most- I mean, they are the most beautiful guinea pigs available in the country.
The most photogenic and expressive guinea pigs.
She must treat them very well.
She's trying to not let it go to their heads, you know?
So how do they do it then?
How do they make those guinea pigs walk around like people?
Well, they don't actually- the guinea pigs don't walk around like people, they just- What?
They try and get their heads.
They try and get them to look up.
Now how do they do that?
Well, basically they don't feed them for three hours.
What?
Yes, they starve the poor little... They starve them?
And then they hold a little bit of carrot and let it up and dangle it above their heads and then they look up for the food.
No, it's like the little toddler in Close Encounters.
or the little boy in Kramer vs. Kramer?
It's exactly what we do with you, Joe, except with, like, chocolate snacks.
Rollos.
Wow, so that's not really torture, is it?
That's just, um, no, we need a word that is less strong than torture.
Uh, cajoling, um, starving.
Inducement.
Inducement, yeah.
Inducement by hunger.
So there's no kind of fishing wire through the cheeks, no lip matches.
No electric shocks.
No electric shocks.
No, no, nothing like that.
No, they wouldn't be allowed to do anything like that.
And have you seen the guinea pigs since the commercials have been out?
Yeah, but... Have they changed?
Yeah, they won't talk to me anymore.
Arrogant.
No one likes an arrogant anypig.
Wow.
And what sort of money do you think changed hands?
I want to know if they got more than me and Adam got for our surf adverts.
They probably did.
I never found out.
I never found out how much they got from that.
I hope they're living in luxury.
Yeah, some of the dogs appeared in the telecom adverts as well.
Wow.
She's got quite a stable there.
That's amazing.
Well, listen, thank you so much for calling us, Tony.
We really appreciate it.
Thanks, Tony.
That's put my mind at rest.
So they're just a little bit hungry.
Yeah.
But not tortured, yeah.
There's no torture.
That's why the look in their eyes is so realistic, cos their hunger for grain is the same as the human hunger to spend money on criticals.
Brilliant, Joe.
Brilliant.
Tony, thanks a lot for your call.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
We'll be back with a text competition after this.
This is Jack Johnson.
That's the one tune everyone can play on the piano, isn't it?
Or if someone else does the... I can do the... What's that tune called?
That was that song we just played, though, wasn't it?
That was Soppy Jack Johnson.
That's like releasing chopsticks.
Jack Johnson, the soppy surfer.
I'm going to release the one you do with your fist.
Yeah.
One day we should have a competition, a piano playing competition for people that can't play the piano.
That would be great.
Hey, we've got a couple of... Oh, no, we didn't get podcasts in the end, did we?
No, we got one podcast, yeah.
Do we?
Well, we'll come to that later, though, shall we?
A little bit later.
Well, I'll play it this week and listen to it and bring it in.
This is Adam and Joel on XFM, by the way.
Last week, we were talking about podcasts.
We're very much hoping that this show might be available for podcasts, even though we don't really know what's happening, because they're only here on Saturdays.
Waiting for information about that.
I'll tell you what I might do though incidentally is put some bits up on my website.
That's a good idea.
Adam Dash Buxton.
That's a very good idea.
But we were requesting for listeners to send in their podcasts because Adam was listening to some podcasts and generally sort of not bemoaning the standards but thinking that it was maybe quite easy to make a splash in the podcast world at the moment because it's in its infancy.
That's right.
There's not that much stuff out there.
Most of it's pretty poor.
Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant and Cole Pilkington's show is head and shoulders above the others.
It's brilliantly funny.
It's very good.
I recommend it if you haven't heard it yet.
But anyway, I was keen to hear some more short podcasts.
I was thinking if people could just send in like a couple of minutes of chat.
We don't want music and stuff because generally the podcasts are just people talking.
But I'd be interested to hear what kind of stuff our listeners would send in.
Yeah, we've got one.
It's sort of anonymous.
I don't know, it's come in a little sleeve.
It says 4th Street Sausages, spelt S-O-S.
That's promising already.
A-G-E-S.
So we'll have a listen to that this week.
Thank you whoever sent that in.
Very promising.
Anyway, there you go.
As podcasts, you'll hear some next week.
I wanted to talk about Coco Pop's straws, Joe Cornish.
Yes.
Now I assume, have you seen the adverts?
Yeah, this is an advert where there's a little boy and his mum brings him a cow.
Because she wants him to drink more milk.
Yeah, yeah.
And she's basically, the ad is saying, have you ever tried to get milk into your kids?
Well, now here's a way of making it easier.
You know, no, you don't have to buy them a cow instead of a dog.
That would be mad.
But all you can do is buy Coco Pop straws
which are basically sort of tube wafers covered in chocolate.
And Joe, you know all about this because this is one of your favourite snacks, isn't it?
When we went to Japan, Pocky Sticks.
What?
Yes, but Pocky Sticks aren't hollow.
Pocky Sticks are hollow, aren't they?
Some of them maybe, but the majority of them aren't hollow, no.
Oh, okay.
But it's a similar thing on the continent and in Japan, places like that.
The tubular wafer with chocolate is a fairly standard bit of confectionary.
And so far... Definitely in wherever Balsen comes from.
Do you know that make of biscuits?
Balsen.
You get them in those offies that don't have any fresh food in them.
Balsen.
They're like Danish biscuits.
They're well tasty.
They like that sort of thing, don't they?
Europeans.
Europeans.
They love their biscuits.
um anyway so these these kinds of tubular chocolate-based snacks haven't been available in the uk for uh hitherto as far as i'm aware and cocoa pops have made them their own and called them the cocoa pop straws and they're advertising them as a way of getting children to drink milk
Yeah.
Which seems to me slightly disingenuous to say the least.
Because I don't believe that any child in their right mind would fall for that.
It's like saying get your kids to eat more fruit by covering the fruit in chocolate.
Well exactly, yeah.
And sticking sugar lumps in the middle.
But it's not even that devious, it's not even that direct to link, you know what I mean?
I was thinking of some other things that you could imply this same strategy to.
For example, are your kids getting enough exercise?
Why not try new running machine Maltesers?
Because they sit conveniently on top of the main panel of your running machine, making running more fun.
That's a good idea.
Same sort of thing.
What about this?
Do your kids simply refuse to eat vegetables?
Try new Snickers forks and watch them tuck into that broccoli.
Solid chocolate and peanut forks?
Yeah.
That's brilliant.
With help held together by toffee.
That's a great idea.
Then watch them.
They'll love, can I have more broccoli, mum?
They'll say.
They won't eat the fork, obviously.
They'll just go for the broccoli.
That seems to be the theory that the Cocoa Pops people are going for.
They're not bothered about eating the chocolate wafer straw.
They'll just have loads of milk.
This milk's delicious, ma'am.
Can I have more milk, please?
Can I suck up Coca-Cola using the straw instead of milk, mommy, please?
Do you want a new straw?
No, that's OK.
I'm still using the same one from a couple of weeks back.
I don't want to eat the straw.
I just want to have more milk.
I love milk.
Thank you.
Thanks very much, Mum, I love milk!
Do I feel a text competition coming on?
So, yeah, exactly.
So I was hoping that people out there might text us or phone us or do whatever, email us, and let us know some of their ideas for similar products that could encourage young children to do beneficial things.
Yeah, sort of unhealthy, snack-based ways of snacking on healthy things.
Yeah.
So the text number is 83XFM, 83XFM, and there'll be, you know, whatever good idea we get, the best idea is what I'm trying to say, we'll call you.
The goodest.
On the blower.
The most goodest.
Get you on the knicker knockers.
What?
Is that a cockney rhyming slang for radio?
I think so.
And yeah, give you a bushtee.
I don't know what that is.
Okay.
Free play time.
Here is a sort of uncharacteristic song from the Buzzcocks.
Doesn't sound typical of them, but it's a lovely track and it's called Love Is Lies.
Buzzcocks with Love Is Lies.
This is Adam and Joe on XFM.
Keep those competition entries coming in.
You can text us, Adam.
What is it?
What's the text, Anthony?
83936.
Or 83XFM.
83XFM is the text.
Or email us.
That's a good way of doing it.
And then you can expound your theory at your leisure.
adamandjoe.
And just a reminder that the competition was to propose suites that could be advertised in a way that would make them seem... I'm really messing up the description of this competition.
Well, we were basically trying to get people to do other things similar to the cocoa pop straws that seem to be encouraging children to do something beneficial, i.e.
drink milk.
So we want similar ideas from you along those lines.
We'll be back shortly.
There we go, that's U2 with Vertigo.
You know, rock music's about picking up a guitar, having a good time and rocking out, but every now and then,
Maybe it just might be able to change the world.
That's a good thought, Joe.
I hadn't thought about it.
That's sort of paraphrasing what Bono said at the Grammys the other day when he won everything.
Really?
Yeah, swept the board at the Grammys.
He won Grammys.
He won some Grammys?
Yeah, at the Grammys.
At the Grammys?
Yeah.
He walked out with an armful of Grammys?
With an armful of Grammys.
Wow.
Um, so we've got a text competition on the go.
It's to come up with a, uh, a kind of something similar to, um, what are they called?
Biscuit straws.
Cocoa pop straws.
My suggestion for something similar was, uh, get, you know, as a way of getting your children to eat more broccoli, snickers forks.
a sort of counter-productively unhealthy way to eat something healthy.
We've got lots of text coming through and we're going to get to judging that and awarding the prize in a second.
And don't forget, coming up in about 15-20 minutes time is your chance to win a Katamari Damacy for the PlayStation 2.
Brilliant new PS2 game.
We'll be giving those away to everybody who gets on the air for Ditties in the Dock.
But for now, something I heard on the telly, well saw as well on the telly, I heard it and saw it, it was coming in the front and the sides.
Double senses.
And yeah, was a repeat of Jarvis Cocker's Pop Years.
Right a Channel 4 documentary with Jarvis Cocker talking through some fantastic clips of sort of odd pop performances from telly of old 70s and 80s mainly but it had this brilliant bit of Peter glaze who's an old children's TV presenter on a show called crackerjack which only our more mature listeners will remember it used to be appointment viewing on Fridays at five o'clock and
And so here's Jarvis Cocker introducing this old 70s children's programme with the presenters singing their rendition of David Bowie's Golden Years.
Have a listen to this.
My favourite unlikely pop moment has to be from the uncoolest kids TV show ever.
It's Peter Glaser's version of David Bowie's Golden Years.
Golden years, go!
See, that's the kind of thing that is now done ironically.
Well, Vic Reeves used to do it ironically when he used to come out on the big night app.
And then Harry Hill used to do it as well.
But that was all pre-irony.
Why don't pop songs these days end like that?
whole thing.
They should still do that.
Absolutely.
I love that.
That was a very good show, wasn't it?
It was a brilliant programme.
Was it E4?
E4, we're repeating it.
Yeah, I missed it the first time round, but maybe we should have some real golden years just to clear our ears.
Yeah, a nice bit of David Bowie for you.
We'll be back with the results of our text competition after this.
What's happening?
There's been the technicals.
Technical problems.
No, they're just switched completely off.
The middle player.
What's going on there?
It's like a localised power cut to the central player, Joe.
There's some sort of poltergeist activity in the XFM studio today, ladies and gents.
Oh my God, she passed right through me.
That was a little poltergeist moment for you there.
Oh, it's passed right through me too.
That's just a toilet moment from Adam.
Hey, you know, thanks for bearing with us, trusty, faithful listeners.
God knows what's happening in the studio today.
Everything's breaking and exploding.
Oh, I don't know.
But we've been asking you to send in texts for our super text competition to come up with a sort of motivational product to make children eat good things, similar to the Coco Pops straws, what you might have seen advertised on telly.
So here are some suggestions.
Are you ready, Adam Buxton?
Hit me.
You're gonna judge these.
A chocolate toothbrush.
I like it.
We're starting basic.
Jack in Chelmsford.
That's nice, Jack.
Yeah?
How would you make a chocolate toothbrush?
It wouldn't happen.
The chocolate wouldn't be solid enough.
There's no chocolate with that amount of strength.
Even though chocolate is molecularly a very unique substance, and that's actually true.
It's got extraordinary molecular properties.
Any scientists out there who are listening will agree with me and notice how clever I am.
How did you get that fact?
I don't know!
I don't know!
But yeah, so that's good.
Well done, Jack.
You ready for another one?
Yeah, go on.
Yeah.
How about, get your teenage kids to eat more fruit by getting them to drink White Lightning.
Mmm, they'll soon love apples.
From rich and home.
White Lightning!
It is slim pickings today.
It's cider, isn't it?
Yes.
Vegetables set in jelly, like carrot and celery sticks in raspberry jelly.
That just exists though, doesn't it?
That's like at school when you used to have the... I never liked fruit jelly when I found real bits of fruit.
Now nobody likes jelly.
I like jelly, but I didn't like it when there was fruit in there.
No you don't.
You don't like jelly.
I like jelly.
I don't think anyone likes jelly.
I love jelly!
Do you like jelly?
Well, maybe what I'm trying to say is I don't like jelly.
What have you got against jelly?
It's just silly.
Joe Cornish is calling jelly silly.
Come on, it wobbles.
It's got no self-respect.
It's brilliant.
It's neither a liquid nor a solid.
It tastes of nothing.
Jelly's an absurd thing for toddlers.
Do you know what I used to like jelly?
No adult should ever eat jelly.
I'm talking to Xanthi now because obviously Joe can't.
Can I get, I know what you're going to say.
What?
You used to get the brick of jelly out of the cupboard and eat the solid concentrated brick.
No, wrong.
I tried that once but it was horrible.
I think everyone did that.
It was disgusting.
Now I used to get the jelly and I used to kind of smush it around in my mouth until it had returned to its kind of watery form.
I know what you mean.
And squirt it through my teeth.
Can I describe an even greater detail?
You store some in the right cheek, you compress the right cheek, shooting it through the gaps in the teeth, into the centre of the mouth, then push it through into the left cheek.
There should be a net swilling.
You swill with the jelly until it becomes a liquid.
Yeah, yeah.
Well done, Adam.
And you did that and you still don't enjoy jelly?
Yeah.
Carry on then.
OK.
Books that are sent to your mobile phone in 15,000 text instalments.
So it would be an improving book, I guess is what he's getting at.
Yeah, yeah.
But the theory being that kids just love getting texts.
Yeah.
So you may as well send them something good.
That was from Lee in Camden.
James is suggesting that they remove the vowels from alphabetti spaghetti so that kids can communicate in text language.
Something in there somewhere, isn't there?
Yep.
I think the chocolate toothbrush is looking like the best one.
Maybe we'll come back to this.
We should wrap it up, man.
What if someone's texted in a better one?
We gotta be brutal with this one.
It's the chocolate toothbrush.
I think.
Was there any other ones that you preferred?
I can't.
I can't work it out.
I haven't got time.
Well, it's going to be the chocolate toothbrush.
Who was that?
That was Jim, wasn't it?
In Chelmsford or something.
Jack.
Jack.
Jack.
Congratulations, Jack.
We're giving you the prize this week, I think.
Inside out toffee apple.
Inside out toffee apple.
Yeah, toffee on the inside apple on the outside.
Donut pillows.
Colin and Fanny say giant donut pillows.
Donut pillows?
Yeah.
What's that encouraging you to just to sleep?
Get the kids to bed on time.
Oh, okay.
No, inhale sugar dust.
I don't know.
That's just madness.
Well, it was your quiz.
I know, it was a bit of a weird, it was a bit of a weird quiz, but I just wanted to talk about Coco Pop Straws.
I should have just asked if there were any mothers out there who'd successfully used the Coco Pop Straws as an inducement to drink milk.
I can't believe that there really are, but I might be wrong.
Anyway, let's play some music and we'll come back with Ditties in the Dock very shortly.
This is Jim Noir right now.
Jim Noir.
Jim, I am the black man.
I am Jim Noir.
he's the lord of darkness no I mean black the color black he may well be black for all I know I don't know anything about his racial persuasion but I know persuaded to be a race yeah you do to you yeah well you did the your mum has to persuade your dad or the other way around just and then they're okay
There you go.
That's the first single from the Mancunian singer-songwriter Jim Noir.
And that track was called Key of C. Very enjoyable it was too.
This is Edmond Joe on XFM.
Yeah, thanks Dazzle who has texted in... Dazzle.
Who has texted in that Toblerone chocolate would probably be strong enough for a toothbrush.
He is right.
That is the strongest chocolate.
It's marbled chocolate.
Therefore, marbleised using honeycomb fragments.
um anyway yeah there was a couple of other texts that you quite liked there were some others there were some entries that may have been superior to the chocolate toothbrush um for instance crisps with maths problems on them that's quite good that is quite good but i don't know how you'd get the kids to i mean you know they'd just ignore the maths problems wouldn't they and eat the crisps well yeah but that's the whole point isn't it that that's the it's the same wrong-headed logic as getting uh kids to believe they're going to drink milk with
It's a question of getting the parents to buy it, isn't it?
Exactly, yeah.
And leaving the kids to eat them.
That's the way we should have pitched the competition, really.
Oh, gosh.
It's been a disaster.
Hey, listen, but we're going to recover the show in the last 17 minutes, because it's Ditty's in the Dock time.
That's the music.
And remember, we are giving away copies of a PS2 game.
worth at least a million pounds.
If you bought it from somewhere really overpriced it would be worth a million pounds.
It's the game Katamari Damacy where you roll a giant ball and pick stuff up.
It's brilliant and I highly recommend you call in an attempt to win it.
So shall we start?
Yeah, who?
Do you want to go first or shall I?
Yeah, the theme this week is whistling songs.
Songs with whistling in.
Of course whistling is a belittled skill.
People often do it in the back of cars and it's very annoying.
I once heard someone say that it's impossible to whistle unless you are feeling carefree.
I doubt that's true.
I'm sure it's technically not true.
I'm sure if you were care-worn... Because there's a lot of famous whistling goes on when people are very anxious.
You know, the dam busters, that sort of thing.
Whistling to raise spirits in times of pressure.
I suppose so.
You know?
But, you know, whistling's a great art and there is a global whistling competition where... Oh, stop talking.
I'm going to stop talking.
My choice is Jealous Guy, which is a very famous cover of the John Lennon classic sung by who?
Roxy Music.
Brian Ferry.
Yeah, Roxy Music.
It was released immediately after John Lennon was shot and I'm told it's considered to be kind of an inferior cover even though it got to number one, but it does have some incredibly beautiful whistling.
Some of the loveliest whistling in rock, I'd say.
Yeah.
And look, there's whistling right there.
There you go.
It's amazing.
It's all whistling.
Whistling was big in the 20s, wasn't it, and 30s.
Was it?
Yeah, it was.
At the same sort of time that theremin were very popular.
Oh, yeah.
They just liked the sort of wavy high-pitched sounds.
Yeah, and that really high-pitched whistling that sounds a bit like a theremin.
You often get it on black-and-white films in the afternoon.
So you're going for Jealous Guy, Brian Ferry or Roxy Music.
My choice is Wunderbar by Tempol Tudor.
Now Tempol Tudor were a kind of joke punk band fronted by Ed Tudor Pole.
who latterly was a presenter on the Crystal Maze and uh he was also in the great rock and roll swindle and I don't know maybe they were genuine punks but they were sort of a jokey punk outfit their big hit was Swords of a Thousand Men way back in the early 80s and that was a smash the follow-up was called Wunderbar and it's a great sort of insane drinking song yeah just the chorus is Wunderbar Wunderbar and it's got whistling yeah it's got a brilliant whistling refrain
That sounds brilliant.
It's quite complicated.
It's more complicated than that sounds, but it's very, very enjoyable.
And it's an amazing song.
And I urge you to vote for Wunderbar by Tempol Tudor.
So it's between Jealous Guy and Wunderbar.
Yeah.
Roxy Music or Tempol Tudor.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
0-8-7-1-triple-two-one-o-four-nine.
You could win Katamari, Damacy, the best PS2 game of the year.
Call now!
Yes, it's Diddy's in the Dock Time here on the Adam and Joe radio show on XFM.
It's Brian Ferry with Jealous Guy vs Wunderbar by Tempoletudor.
We've got five callers on the line.
Let's start with Ollie.
Hello Ollie.
How you doing?
Hello, Ollie.
Hello, can you hear me?
Yeah, we can hear you.
Are you OK, Ollie?
I'm very well, thank you.
Ollie, are you OK?
Are you OK?
Are you OK, Ollie?
It's a new one, seriously.
Yes, I'm very well.
Good.
Are you excited about winning this video game?
Absolutely.
I've been looking for it, in fact, in the shops all week.
Have you heard of it?
Yeah, I've heard it.
You were talking about it last week.
I've heard of it.
It's available in Japan.
coming to England.
I'm very excited.
It is very exciting.
You know, they've actually, it's actually the sequel to the Japanese game.
So it's a bit, I played it during the week.
It's not as brilliant as the first game.
I've got to be true.
It's not as good as the, as the first one, but it's still amazing.
It's like Ghostbusters 2 compared to Ghostbusters.
Cornish is married to the truth.
He can't help it.
But, uh, but yeah, it's, it's a great game.
So Oli, what are you voting for?
Is it going to be a temple tutor or Roxy music?
Good choice.
One in the bag for the Tudors.
Thank you very much indeed for your call, Ollie.
Hope you enjoy that Katamari game.
And we've got Kenny on the line.
Hello, Kenny.
How are you doing?
I'm hungover.
Oh, you sound really angry.
Are you just furious, Kenny?
Well, I do have a certain level of anger about me anyway.
What time did you get home last night?
Not late, I was just pissed.
You can't say that.
It's taking you several seconds to respond to our questions.
Have you given yourself brain damage?
Don't answer that.
Listen, I think it's best we keep your answers monosyllabic.
Rub your temples and tell us what you have chosen this week.
Rub your temple tutors.
No, it's Brian Ferry.
Brian Ferry.
There you go.
There's your music.
It's one all.
Thank you very much, Kenny.
Now go and lie down and watch some relaxing TV.
Have a little bit of plink plink fizz.
Have a bit of plink plink fizz.
Heather, are you on the line?
Hello.
Hello, Heather.
Hey, everyone's trashed.
What's the matter with you, Heather?
She's trashed.
I've got the flu.
I'm not being heard today.
It makes you sound sexy.
Oh, thank you.
You do sound saucy when you're ill, Heather.
I've always said it.
Now, what are you going to vote for?
Is it going to be Roxy Music or Temple Tudor?
Temple Tudor.
Come on.
Do you remember the track?
No, I don't.
Are you just being a bit adventurous with it?
Do you even remember Swords of a Thousand Men, their first hit?
Nope, I don't know either of them.
You should investigate.
Have you got something against Roxy Music?
No, not at all.
It's just the other tracks sounded more interesting.
Spirit of Adventure.
You're probably right.
And are you excited about winning Katamari Damacy for the PS2?
Yes, that sounds very exciting.
Have you got one of them PS2s?
I haven't, no.
So what are you going to do with it, you stupid woman?
Why are you excited?
Don't call Heather as a stupid woman.
She knows I'm joking.
I don't know.
It might influence me to buy one, so...
Well, by reading the back of the box?
Yes.
Yes, okay, well.
I get that excited.
You can always use it as an inducement to go out with a man or something.
Are you sure you don't want the box at the Hackney Empire instead tonight?
No, you've got the flu.
She's got the flu.
I can't, no.
Oh, jeepers.
Bed and things, yeah.
Okay, so there we go.
Thanks for calling, Heather.
It's 2-1 to Buxton with Tempel Tudor.
Cornish needs another vote, otherwise he's out of the picture.
He's out of the picture.
So we've got a Joe.
Hello, Joe.
Hello.
How are you, Joe?
I'm very well, thank you.
Yeah, good, and you sound bright and alert and you're not ill.
Are you hungover?
No, I'm not.
You might be our only healthy listener today.
Very possibly.
And what are you voting for, Joe?
It's gotta be ten-pole Tuesday.
Yeah.
Takes it.
Is that it?
That's it.
It's three-one, so... And do you remember the track, Joe?
Yeah, I went to see them years ago.
No, what were they like?
They were brilliant.
I bet they were.
Did he host the Crystal Maze for a bit?
Yes, he did, yeah.
After Richard O'Brien.
Yeah, a true sign of greatness.
He was a pretty good presenter as well.
He was, yeah.
He was very good.
And did you ever see Doctor and the Medics, Joe?
Nah.
Because I was thinking about them, loads of bands in those days, like when indie bands were indie, and weird little bands used to have one-hit wonders every now and again.
Doctor and the Medics had a hit with Spirit in the Sky, and I remember they were the cool band to go and see when I was a young lad.
But anyway, thanks very much indeed for calling in, Joe.
So what happens to Laura?
Laura?
Santy, you've got your maths wrong again, love.
No, she couldn't have won it.
So it's 3-1.
Is Laura on the line?
Laura, are you there?
Hello, Laura.
Xanthe should have calculated that after 3-1, we would have had no need for a fifth caller.
What were you going to vote for, Laura?
I think it would have been pointless.
I was actually going to do the tempo 2 to 3.
So you see, yeah, it would have been... There you go, a landslide.
She had no options.
Are you interested in the comedy show tonight, Laura?
No, I might just be.
Really, could you make it down to the Hackney Empire to see Joe Brown, Felix Dexter and Andy Smart?
I think I might be able to- Oh, well, I think we're gonna give you that prize, cos there's that box going and- Really?
You know, you can always, um, take a little portable telly or something.
Yeah, exactly.
It'll be warm.
Take some- get some champagne, go down there and enjoy yourselves at XFM's, er, behest.
Have a great night.
That would be lovely, thank you so much.
Hey, thanks for calling.
Not at all, thank you, Laura.
So Cornish roundly quashed- Very polite caller, that's lovely.
And Temple Tudor have won.
Temple Tudor have won.
So that's it from us this week.
And it was- it was a chaotic show.
Yeah, it was a bit ramshackle.
Thanks for bearing with us.
It'll be much slicker next week.
Oh yeah, it'll be very, very slick.
I'd just like to remind people as well that my semi-regular evening of comedy takes place this week at the Zetter Hotel in Clerkenwell.
For further details, you can check out my website Adam-Buckston.
It's called The Out of Focus Group and it would be marvellous to see you there.
But thanks for listening and we'll see you next week.
Thanks for listening.
Thank you.
Bye!
We'll leave you with... Temple Tudor and Wunderbar!
This misery is bare I really wanna lose my job I'm going to the man Life is getting rough, oh yes I know Excuse me but I've got to go The reason why I'm in trouble is against my control Run the bar, run the bar
And the risk of being able to tell me all about the nuclear war But when I sing to them, they're all going down There's a word in German that says it all Wunderbar, wunderbar, wunderbar Wunderbar, wunderbar, wunderbar
Wunderbar Wunderbar Wunderbar
XFL.